Movie pitch: sensitive James Bond

Bond. Sensitive Bond.

Before my friend and I went to see Spectre, we heard rumours that this installment of the Bond franchise was going to be his most sensitive yet. And as we nestled into our seats and prematurely began eating our popcorn from a bag that holds way too much popcorn for two people, we began to speculate what kind of sensitivity would be shown. And, as a result, we came up with the following genius movie pitch.

“I wonder if he’ll be Baking Bond.”

“With a frilly apron?”

“Of course with a frilly apron. How else does one bake?”

“Maybe a scene opens and it’s him standing a frilly apron, in his Nancy Meyers kitchen, and there’s a line-up of failed soufflés.”

“With bullet holes in the pans.”

“Because they kept sinking.”

“And then his wife comes home from work just as he’s pulling a perfect soufflé out of the oven.”

“And his kids come screaming through the kitchen, causing the soufflé to deflate.”

“And he yells, ‘GAWDDAMMIT!’ and pulls the gun out of his shoulder holster and points it at the soufflé.”

“And his wife calmly walks up to him, takes the gun, unloads it and gives it back.”

“I hope one day he’ll make the perfect soufflé.”

“No guns required.”

Dr. No: The first James Bond commentary (on this blog)

A couple years ago, the first James Bond I saw was the last one.

Isn’t that always the way? … No? It’s not always the way? Just me, then? Okay, carrying on.

I never grew up watching James Bond. Personally, I don’t think it’s wise to expose children to the alcoholic womanizer that is Bond, James Bond. But apparently my friend grew up differently. So when Skyfall came out, she decided I should come with her to the theatre, which I of course did, and then she decided I needed to watch Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace.

And then sometimes we’d hang out and watch an old Bond and I’d make fun of it the entire time because those old bonds are cheesetastic. It was hilarious. And we laughed. A lot.

Other than Daniel Craig’s three Bonds, we’ve seen Living Daylights with Timothy Dalton or, as my friend calls him, “smiley Bond.” The best part of that movie was when they used a cello case as a sled to quickly get down a mountain.

My friend also exposed me to the bell bottoms of the great Roger Moore in Octopussy, Moonraker and The Spy Who Loved Me. (Also, The Spy Who Loved Me was quickly followed by a viewing of The Spy Who Shagged Me, for obvious reasons.)

The truth of the matter is that she knew I would love a certain recurring character in two of these films. I wasn’t going to admit it, but she knew Jaws would have a special place in my heart. I mean, who wouldn’t love a lumbering henchman with metal teeth? My favourite scene has got to be in The Spy Who Loved Me when Bond defeats Jaws by turning on the conveniently placed magnet in the shark room. And then, of course, when he finds love in Moonraker.

Also Goldeneye because I played the video game with my brother way back when and I felt it was necessary for me to get the Pierce Brosnan experience.

And then, of course, there were the Sean Connery films. Goldfinger was watched because a woman died after being painted in gold, which is tragic, and also inaccurate – or so says QI. And Thunderball was watched because who wouldn’t want to see Connery in his short shorts having an underwater harpoon battle?

 

That brings us to Dr. No, the first Bond film. The one where the world first saw a man say “Bond, James Bond” on screen. And that man was Sean Connery.

Moral of the commentary story? I suddenly realized what all the Connery-as-Bond fuss was about.

Read it here.

New commentary: The Lost Boys

The Lost Boys. Not exactly a movie I thought I’d (a) ever watch or (b) every commentate on, but my friend told me I’d have a lot to say while watching it. And she was right. Plus I think she enjoys making me watch old movies I’ve never seen before.

She’s done this before, after all. Case in point, all the James Bond movies we’ve watched so far. She also tried to make me watch The Shining when we were in high school, but I got so creeped out by those terrifying twin girls that I left before things got all “Heeeeeere’s Johnny!”

When asked why she wanted me to watch The Lost Boys, though, her answer was simply, “Because it’s awesome. Do we need more reasons?”

According to the most trusted source on the internet, Wikipedia, The Lost Boys “is about two Arizona brothers who move to California and end up fighting a gang of teenage vampires.” Obviously. And to give you even more incentive to read the commentary of a bad ’80s teen horror movie you may or may not have seen, take a look at the movie poster.

Let’s all appreciate that tagline together: “Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It’s fun to be a vampire.”

Click here to read what we had to say about this rather embarrassing reference to J.M. Barrie‘s stories about Peter Pan.