Friend: You need to keep a tally of all the times the name “Michael” in this movie.
Me: Okay. I’ll write it down every time it’s mentioned.
Friend: You may just want to mark it down each time because sometimes they say it really quickly.
Me: Okay … A Richard Donner Production? Is he from the Donner Party? … Is there cannibalism in this?
Friend: It’s a vampire movie.
Me: So … justified cannibalism. Got it.
Friend: The soundtrack in this is amazing.
Me: OHMYGOSH IS THAT KIEFER SUTHERLAND?!
Friend: It is!
Me: Kiefer! What are you doing? Why are there so many … what is wrong with these boys? Kiefer looks like Billy Idol.
Friend: How do you know Kiefer?
Me: He’s in 24 and he’s the son of a St. Bernard. Are we sure he’s not Billy Idol? Are merry-go-rounds popular places for vampires? Is that what was really happening in Mary Poppins?
Friend: He’s not a vampire. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: Sketchy aerial shot! That security guard is gonna die … Why did you park so far away, sir? Whoa. That door came right off. Are they flying vampires? Is this part Wicked Witch? Why are the aerial shots so shaky?
City sign says, “Murder capital of the world” Welcome to Santa Carla! Do all ‘80s movies require a fairground of some kind?
Me: So many missing people! I wonder what’s happening! Why did their mom choose this awful city to move to? You know, it’s movies like this that make us paranoid about child abductions.
Also, those bikinis are super high-cut. I’m so glad I live in an era that doesn’t require that kind of swimwear. Why did that guy get out of the truck and go on a bike behind a dirty gravel road? Without goggles or glasses? How are his eyes still functional?
Friend: Or helmet.
Me: It was the ‘80s. They didn’t need helmets. Darwin won out.
Friend: That bear is drinking beer.
Me: That man is dead. “It looks like he’s dead.” “No, he’s just a deep sleeper.” Did that man fall into the Odinsleep? This kid is talking a lot about TV. Also his brother hasn’t moved anything in and he’s immediately lifting weights.
“Ruuuuuules! We got some ruuuuuules around here.” This is not a healthy place for a child to live. Random hunting room. Marijuana. A shelf in the fridge is made out of cardboard. And that grandpa has ridiculous hair. And he has no understanding of what a guide is. “You read the TV guide, you don’t need a TV.”
That singing man is very oiled up. Aaaaaand he’s playing a saxophone. Another ‘80s movie staple. So far, ‘80s movies need fairgrounds, a single mother and saxophones. I’m sure this list will grow.
Friend: The ‘80s must have been the advent of divorce.
Me: Must have been. Because there are so many single moms in ‘80s and ‘90s movies, it’s insane. Is that older brother dressed as a vicar?
Me: So it’s not a tarts and vicars party?
Friend: No. You’re going to recognize that girl.
Me: Where’s she from? Why is that man so oiled up and topless? And why does he have permed, slicked back Fabio hair? And Mr. T gold chains? And where is she from? Jugglers! Lost kids! Richie Rich’s dad slash Richard Gilmore!
Friend: Nice outfit. Look at that pink shirt with that plaid suit.
Me: It’s amazing. I want that outfit. And those glasses are intense! And that one lost boy is wearing a crop top. Is this Sodom or Gomorrah? … Pssh. Youths. “You have a generous nature, I like that in a person.” That is quite the pick-up line, Richard Gilmore!
Me: Is that girl a single mom, too? Is this older brother stalking her already? Stalking! Another ‘80s movie staple. What is that kid wearing? Why is his coat so long? It’s like a blazer for a very tall, very skinny giant. Where do I know him from?
Friend: It’s Corey Feldman! Everywhere!
Me: Oh good, they commented on his outfit.
Me: Both the first two, yes … She’s a mom in something.
Me: And she’s Kiefer’s girlfriend. She’s a bitchy mom in something. There are a lot of comic books in this. How do these vampires take their prey? Do they fly? And where is that woman from? It’s going to drive me crazy.
Friend: Still Standing.
Me: Yes! That. But something else. Something recent. *IMDBs it* Modern Family! Is Santa Carla just a boardwalk? Don’t trust a shirtless tattooed bald man to pierce your ear, you adolescent idiots!
“I’m Michael.” “Mike. Michael’s great, I like Michael.”
Kiefer doesn’t like you, Michael. “This is Michael.”
Oh, Kiefer owns you, Star. “You don’t have to beat me, Michael, just have to try and keep up.”
Fires in barrels and on the beach and youths driving down sand and stairs on dirt bikes with no helmets? The ‘80s were a lawless time. I hope aliens don’t base their understanding of human nature on these films. Are they flying? What’s happening?
Friend: It got foggy.
Me: This is dangerous. “Come on, Michael!” “How far are you willing to go, Michael?”
Oh look, fire in a barrel, two barrels! Fire in barrels – another ‘80s movie staple. Is that a child? Are those children?
Friend: Just one child.
Me: Oh, that’s better. “So check it out, Mikey!” Is that one guy wearing football pants? As clothes? Jimmy Stewart did it in It’s a Wonderful Life but that was an emergency. Also I feel as though I’ve tainted It’s a Wonderful Life by mentioning it in this film’s commentary. “You’ll like it here, Michael.” This kid is afraid of the closet? “I think one of the reasons I divorced your father is that he never believed in the closet monster.” Is she trying to make light of the situation? That’s a horrible idea, woman! I really want Mike and Sully to enter through that closet now.
“Tell me Michael…” So vampires eat maggots? Oh, twist! It’s rice.
‘80s Kiefer is not awesome. “They’re only noodles, Michael.” If you’re in a position of power, would you always sit in the light and make other people sit in the dark?
Friend: Yeah. Der.
Me: “Drink some of this, Michael. Be one of us.” Is there no contract he has to read? Is he gonna drink it? “Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael. Michael. Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael …” “You don’t have to Michael.”
“You’re right, Michael. Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael …” I’ve lost track. He just keeps drinking it? This blood drinking scenario was much better in Only Lovers Left Alive.
Friend: Oh the ‘80s montage.
Me: Another staple!
Friend: Uh yeah.
Me: “Michael… Michael…” That seemed too easy. “Michael wants to know what’s going on.” “Michael wants to know!” “I think we should let Michael know what’s going on.” “Come with us, Michael.”
Friend: This is that “if your friends are jumping off bridges, would you join them?” thing.
Me: So this is where that saying originated. “Michael x 4.” I can’t write them down, they’re coming too fast.
Friend: You’ll just have to start putting down “M”.
Me: “M” would be confusing if we followed this with James Bond. “Welcome aboard, Michael.” This is a far different Stand By Me train sequence. Oh! Another ‘80s staple! Train bridges! M, M, M, M, M, M, Miiiiiichael…… Miiiiichaaaaael…. Miiiiiiiiiichaaaaaaaaaaael…..
Friend: I think half this script is Michael. Also, the ‘80s falling.
Me: Yup. ‘80s falling. This is how you become a vampire? No biting is involved? Just drinking blood and falling through fog? When did he get his ear pierced? Was that the “bite”? A piercing? Is no one noticing Michael’s transformation? “That wasn’t funny, Mike!” His little brother is noticing. Thank goodness. Those motorbikes cause a lot of wind. Michael…Michael…Michael…Michael. M, M, M, M, M, M, M, M.
This kid knows how to take a bath. Beside his dog. His dog is just everywhere. Is he gonna drink his little brother’s blood?? This escalated quickly. Don’t drink the dog! This kid is awesome. This dog is protective. Also didn’t realize vampires wore white tennis shoes.
I have to write what just transpired: Snarling, snarling, Michael snarling, dog snarling, ATTACK! And I have never laughed so hard. Still laughing. I asked my friend to go back so we could watch it again. Here’s the link for you to enjoy.
Me: Best. Ever. It was worth it just to see that. Also do households in the ‘80s save electricity by never having lights on?
Friend: Michael’s turning them off because lights are hurting his eyes.
Me: Oh. M, M. “You’re a creature of the night, Michael!” M, M. M. I like that he’s just clear about this. “You’re a vampire, wait ‘til mom hears about this!” Umm…Michael’s face is against the ceiling?
Friend: Another ‘80s trope? “Ghostbusters!” “Dana, I wish to speak to Dana!”
Me: That’s a very specific trope – floating people. Also I think I’ve had this nightmare of not being able to read the ground. But I wasn’t an earringed vampire in white tennis shoes. Umm … is he Peter Pan? He’s floating away. Hey! It’s the missing kid on that milk carton!
Friend: Does grandpa honk his horn whenever he gets home and whenever he leaves?
Me: Yes. Maybe that’s another trope. Just like faces on milk cartons … OHMYGASH IT’S A KITE! The lost boys are coming for Richard Gilmore! Not Richard Gilmore! Where do they get torches? Do they just have torches lying around? M. M. M. M.
Friend: I like the flying through the clouds scene.
Me: His hand healed. Just like Flynn Rider’s. But not at all the same. Oh look! His sweater is tied around his waist while he’s wearing a jacket. Classic. You’re not friends! You’re a mother and a child.
Friend: She’s not exactly the best mother here.
Me: “Did you take care of everything, Michael?” “Uhhh not so much. I may have made it worse.” Rabid dogs? ‘80s trope?
Friend: Yup. Cujo!
Me: M. They just laughed very easily about Max’s dog attacking her.
Friend: They end their date like that?
Me: I guess so.
Friend: Also … garlic mouth!
Me: M. M. M. M. M. Wow. It’s the wrong teeth! Isn’t it? Shouldn’t it be the canines? Not the ones right beside the middle two? Poor Michael. Kiefer just bit into that guy’s skull! Why? What is … That is not the ideal place to bite for maximum blood, Kief. According to QI, it’s the big toe. You missed your chance. M. M. M. M. Michael does not look like he’s going to be young forever. This vampire thing is not working out for him. Wow. Corey Feldman is … so hard core. He’s got a canteen. I had one of those! M. Sam is not cut out for adventure. Also underground crawling seems to be another trope. So … they’re just hanging like bats? Wow. Aggressive. Is that supposed to be blood?
Friend: Umm … vampire juice? They all die differently.
Me: Wow. He just like lit up in flame. Vamp-Kiefer is crying. M. M.
Friend: Grandpa doesn’t even ask about the child and the woman.
Me: He’s got bigger things to worry about like gas in the car. Also … bike gangs.
Friend: *nods* Child baptism.
Me: No one’s questioning the kids filling up canteens with holy water during a child baptism? Oh! Michael woke up. Are they Home Alone-ing the place against vampires?
Friend: Yeah. Garlic holy water.
Me: In the bathtub. Yech. Those are some icky feet, vampires. M. M. M. M. M. That dog, man! He just jumps for the face. So one vampire dies in holy water bathtub and all the plumbing explodes with blood and the toilet goes into a million pieces? Oh a squirt gun with holy water in it? M times like five? Another vampire goes down via jukebox or, as Sam says, “Death by stereo.” This is like epic proportions. Did that kid vampire just pop up out of the bed? Ohhhmyyyyygaaaaash. Vampire face-off. Through the air. With the threat of grandpa’s antler collection. M. Oh no, Kief. You got antlered. Are antlers made of wood?
Friend: Sometimes it’s just stake through the heart. Doesn’t necessarily have to be wood.
Me: What kind of antlers are those??
Friend: Wooden antlers.
Me: So grandpa has a fake antler collection? M. M. M. M. M. M. Richard Gilmore looks a little different. This is not a good pick-up line. She is pathetic. M. M.