Pride and Prejudice, November 2012

This one may seem really long, but it was the funnest to write and then reread and then edit while rereading. I was starting to get the hang of this when I watched it that one fateful November.

Not fateful. But probably rainy.

Me: Moulin Rouge lasted all of five minutes. Pride and Prejudice happily took its place. Watch out.

Me: Birds chirping. Sun shining. She’s reading while walking – similar to texting while walking, I think. DON’T TRIP ON A ROCK!

Me: She did not finish that book before closing it. Maybe she just reached the good bit. I wonder what book she was reading.

Me: Also, I wonder if her family worries about poop getting on the clean sheets.

Me: Not human poop of course. That would be odd. Duck poop.

Me: Quack.

Me: Her parents aren’t very discreet. Her whole family, really, isn’t very discreet.

Me: Yeah, Mr. Bennet. Don’t be so tiresome!

Me: It’s weird that Facebook keeps wanting me to tag strangers. I didn’t know that was a possibility. Bennetts, Stewart, Taryn and Ella, apparently.

Me: “Who’s got warts?” My favourite. Wait. I wanted to go back a scene. For the quizzical brow. Why did my DVD player start it all over again? Argh!

Me: I wonder if Darcy liked her from the beginning.

Me: Remind me to ask him when I steal him from Lizzy.

Me: I missed it again! The look!

Me: There it is. Awkward. So awkward, Mr. Darcy.

Me: To be under such matchmaking watch would be all kinds of shades of awkward.

Me: So … wait … Elizabeth and Charlotte are hiding under … bleachers? They have bleachers at this ball?

Me: What kind of bizarre sport is this?

Me: “It is a pity she’s not more handsome.” Oh, Mrs. Bennet, just shut your trap already. Foolish girl.

Me: I think Darcy adores Lizzy’s hem. “Six inches deep in mud. Positively medieval.”

Me: Weirdest part of the movie: when Mrs. Bennet stares at the pig’s balls.

Me: “You write uncommonly fast, Mr. Darcy.”

“Shut up, you stupid cow.”

Me: “Do tell your sister that I long to see her.”

“I long to see you trip on your hem, you nutter.”

Me: “Tis a small kind of accomplishment, I suppose.” *Darcy is even more attracted to Lizzy.*

Me: Darcy: “My good opinion once lost is lost forever.”

Lizzy: “All right, calm down! We were just having fun.”

Caroline: “What’s going on between you two? Stop looking at each other!”

Bingley: “Cushions! Hahaha … look at all these cushions!”

Me: Lizzy: “Thank you for your stimulating company, it’s been most instructive.”

Caroline: “Back off from Darcy, beotch. I already called dibs.”

Lizzy: “What are dibs?”

Caroline: “Just … pick a relative of yours or something. Intermarrying is helpful.”

Me: “Exemplary vegetables?” They’re potatoes, you knob.

Me: “My small rectory abuts her estate.” Dirty.

Me: How much do you wonder if Mr. Collins puts on a dress and looks in the mirror to practice giving a lady small compliments?

Me: Come on, Lizzy! The man is interested in RIBBONS! Don’t trust him! He just said he can’t be trusted.

Me: Do you ever admire the general splendour? I do. On a regular basis.

Me: Just go about admiring all the general splendour.

Me: Look at that chest! (Talking about Mr Darcy.)

Me: “It will be most inconvenient since I’ve sworn to loathe him for all eternity.”

Me: Give him a break, Lizzy! He does not possess the talent of conversing with strangers.

Me: Also, I wonder how annoyed the other dancers are that Lizzy is being so obnoxious. Obviously this is a no-talking dance.

Me: Anyone can see that.

Me: Bingley reached for Jane’s butt.

Me: Also, Mr. Darcy is the esteemed nephew of Her Ladyship, M.

Me: “We are all fools in love.” Hmm. Really? Fools? That sounds idiotic.

Me: Poor Mary. Such a nerd. I fear that in this scenario I’d be Mary.

Me: Actually, no. Right now I’d be Lizzy – hiding outside.

Me: And with a few drinks in me I may be Mrs. Bennet.

Me: But for the most part I would probably be Caroline – judging everyone.

Me: “Her Ladyship wants to stop the rumours that I am a gay bachelor, thus I need a wife.”

Me: Mr. Bingley has grown a grief beard.

Me: Or he lost his razor. Wait, did they have razors? He lost his sheath? That’s a kind of blade, right? Or is that the thing the blade goes in?

Me: If you ever choose Mr. Collins, do you want me to be honest enough to tell you that he’s ridiculous?

Me: Is Mr. Wickham colourful because he wears red?

Me: M has really let her hair grow out for this super-secret mission.

Me: Colonel Fitzwilliam is adorable.

Me: Mr. Collins can’t sit next to his wife because M can’t be bothered to yell “HANDCHECK!” every five minutes.

Me: The pants. THE PANTS! NOT THE PANTS!

pride and prejudice pants

Me: Dear Lizzy, I do believe the two of us have differing ideas of “something very dreadful.” For me, I would say dreadful behaviour would include some kind of murder or violation of crimes, not not dancing. Come on, girl. Get your head out of your ass.

Me: AWKWARD SCENE TIME!

Me: Mr. Collins loves his Freudian slips.

Me: And the scene that I will rewatch several times over.

Me: “I love you … most ardently,” he says after insulting her in every way.

Me: And … again!

Me: Wait. WHY DOES MY DVD GO BACK SO FAR?

Me: Oh. The pants scene. NOT THE PANTS SCENE AGAIN!

Me: I would like to run away in the rain to a lonely gazebo thing.

Me: She’s so confused.

Me: His hair is a mess.

Me: They’re soaked through. They should find a log cabin and light a fire.

Me: If someone that awkward told you he loved you, would you reject him?

Me: And by that awkward, I mean that rich and handsome …

Me: And arrogant …

Me: And proud …

Me: And … another P word … pissed off?

Me: “Are you reJECTing me?” – PISSED OFF!

Me: Wait, she’s pissed off now.

Me: “Do you deny it Mr. Darcy? That you separated a young couple who loved each other, exposing your friend to the censure of the world for caprice and my sister for its derision of disappointed hopes.” What is she even trying to say?

Me: Too many words, Lizzy!

Me: Yes, Darcy, because watching people can expose the truths. Fools in love, sir! Fools in love.

Me: Oh wait, Charlotte didn’t tell you that. You weren’t eavesdropping on that conversation.

Me: “It was MORE THAN THAT! It was the lack of propriety shown by your mother, your sister, even on occasion your father!”

Me: BURN!

Me: “Mr. WICKHAM?!” Darcy’s pissed off now.

Me: “So this is your opinion of me? Thank you for explaining so fully …”

Me: The big moment: “From the first moment I met you, your arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realize you were the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.”

Me: What book is she reading now that makes her laugh and then give up and cry?

Me: Well, not cry. She’s just despondent.

Me: Look at him with his letter in hand and no tie.

Me: Or cravat or whatever it is they wear.

Me: Look at him riding that horse in the dark woods. How awkward would it be if he got clipped by a low-hanging branch?

Me: And does Charlotte know any of this? She’s got eyes, hasn’t she?

Me: Would you notice if I was crying while reading a letter in my pajamas after a series of awkward run-ins with the man who called me intolerable?

Me: DON’T JUMP, LIZZY!

Me: Oh wait … it’s a dream.

Me: “He’s so … he’s so … he’s so … he’s so rich.”

“Good heavens, Lizzy, what a snob you are.”

Me: DEER!

Me: HORSES!

Me: GIANT ESTATE!

Me: Hey, here’s an idea. First, we go to Steveston and enjoy life in Storybrooke and then we fly to England, rent a car and tour all the P&P filming locations. Good? Good. Done.

Me: I’ll meet you at your house in five minutes.

Me: “Lizzy, it is a true likeness?”

Lizzy then starts making out with the statue. Things get awkward.

Me: “Do you not think him a handsome man?”

“Meh, he’s okay … I mean … he’s not THAT great.”

Me: Also, how the hell does Lizzy get lost in two seconds?

Me: In two seconds, her aunt and uncle somehow walk away from her and she goes into a private room and then they leave the house without her and she just walks home? Nobody has cell phones. Nobody can tell each other where they are. Why would they take the carriage and leave without her? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Me: “And are you having a … pleasant trip?”

Me: “I’m very fond of walking.”

“Yes, yes I know. I’m very fond of watching you walk, I mean, what? Nothing, I, uh, you broke into my house!”

Me: “There’s something pleasant about his mouth while he speaks that makes me want to make my mouth meet his.”

And Mr. Gardiner ignores the comment.

Me: Look, the colourful Mr. Wickham changed his colours.

Me: Darcy’s a fool. He told Lyddie not to tell?

Me: Good thing she told Elizabeth and not EVERYONE ELSE.

Me: “Mr. Bingley is returning to Netherfield and he really loves pork.”

Me: AWKWARD BINGLEY TIME!

Me: He’s just adorable. And I love Mrs. Bennet in this scene. She sits on the couch just like I do.

Me: And did. Today.

Me: I’M MRS. BENNET??

Me: Lizzy: Don’t look at him, don’t look at him, don’t look at him, don’t look at him.

Darcy: Don’t look at her, don’t look at her, don’t look at her, don’t look at her.

Me: One day I will find a man I won’t want to look at.

Me: They looked!

Me: Small talk!

Me: Disappointment.

Me: Darcy is now super confused. Bingley chickened out. His friend’s a coward. He’s so ashamed. At least he told the woman he loved that he loved her even if she did slap him in the face with logic.

Me: Bingley: “Miss Bennet.”

Darcy: “Mr. Bingley…”

Me: Lizzy: “Jane, I’m so blind.”

Jane: “What do you mean?”

Lizzy: “I mean I looked at an eclipse yesterday. I can’t see a freakin’ thing.”

Me: Yes, you have been the most unmitigated and comprehensive ass, Mr. Bingley.

Me: This has become a long thread.

Me: Jane’s response to a proposal: “Yes, a thousand times yes!”

Lizzy’s first response to a proposal: “You are the most selfish, conceited, arrogant bastard I’ve ever met!”

Lizzy’s second response to a proposal: “Your hands are cold.”

Me: Kitty is pissed. She got stuck with Mary. I wonder what happens to her.

Me: Oh yeah, she spends a lot of time at Jane and Lizzy’s houses and improves herself.

Me: The book is a little more comprehensive …

Me: “Perhaps Mr Collins has a cousin.” He does. It’s you. You’re related. You want to marry a cousin of your cousin aka your cousin. Gross.

Me: Jane is not wearing a bra. Lizzy isn’t either but you can’t really tell.

Me: M is PISSED!

Me: “Miss Bennet, I warn you. I am not to be trifled with.”

Me: “You may ask a question that I may choose not to answer.”

“This is not to be born!” – I just love Judi Dench.

Me: “Whose own sisters’ elopement resulted in a scandalously patched up marriage only achieved at the expense of your uncle.”

“You mean your nephew.”

“I do not mean such a thing!”

“Well he paid for it.”

“… I need to check something. Excuse me.”

Me: If I take early morning walks, I’ll be proposed to by a man I can see walking across a field for an hour, right? That’s the message I’m to take from this?

Me: Cue the longest walking scene ever. Yes. Ever.

Me: “So … uh … hello.”

Me: “You had me at hello. I mean, you had me at your aunt. Or my aunt. Wait, who’s talking? … Crap.”

Me: Don’t trifle with him, Lizzy! But make him a trifle. He loves those things.

Me: “My affections and wishes have not changed.”

Me: CUTE!

Me: Wait for it … the St. Bernard vs. Chihuahua head scene.

Me: I would like to know how the scene transpired between Darcy and her dad.

Me: “Have you no other objection than your belief in my indifference?”

Me: “But she doesn’t like him, I thought she didn’t like him. He’s going to step on a chicken.”

Me: Wait for it …

Me: Mr. Bennet, your head is so that of a St. Bernard’s.

Me: Also, weird name for a dog … “St. Bernard.”

Me: Sad day for him. He lost his favourite daughter.

Me: Or did he gain his favourite son? Not quite. That son said he had a lack of propriety.

Me: Awkward.

Me: What if your man sat on his knees in front of you? I’m not too sure about it. He’s wearing manpris and they’re sitting on a table. What weirdos.

Me: How many times can this guy say “Mrs. Darcy”?

Me: CUTE!

Friend: You know I’d reject him.

Friend: You can’t be Mary and Lizzy and Mrs. Bennet, AND Miss Bingley.

Friend: And the sheath holds the blade.

Friend: And if I ever chose a Mr. Collins, let me pay for my stupidity.

Friend: This commentary is by far the best yet.

Me: Yay! Successful P&P fun times! And I can be all of them if I want! Also, I’d like to be Once Upon a Time’s Snow White.

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