If you’ve stumbled upon this and you have no idea what Doctor Who is about or what “The Day of the Doctor” is, click here to read an explanation of its epicness.
Me: Oooowweeeeeeooooooo! Colour me excited! Coal Hill! Something about Classic Who.
Friend: Nostalgia moment I don’t care about.
Me: Clara erasing “no more” … oooooweeeooo!
Friend: Marcus Aurelius quote makes me think of Hannibal. “What is its nature?”
Me: BLUE BOX. Clara’s male stunt double has nice legs.
Friend: Male stunt driver.
Me: Also, no chance her fingers could snap with gloves on.
Friend: Weird hand clap thing.
Me: Also, Eleven had Pond’s glasses … all the feels.
Friend: TARDIS looks like a miniature.
Me: IT’S REAL, OKAY.
Friend: Terrible font.
Me: Hi scarf.
Friend: Why would she assume that the Doctor wasn’t near the TARDIS?
Me: Umm because he’s usually off running amok? That girl is every Whovian.
Friend: What if they killed the Doctor right now? How awkward would that be?
Me: Awkward. This is such an Eleven thing to do. You’d never see Nine being this ridiculous. And it’s wonderful.
Friend: You would not perch in the wobbly TARDIS door without falling out. Giant seal.
Me: Who? Ohhh wax seal. I started looking for a seal around Trafalgar. I got really excited.
Friend: No. A damn Selkie.
Me: Pssh. Potato poetaytoe.
Friend: Learn your mythical creatures! Oh. He does have eyebrows. Just like five hairs.
Me: Still counts! For a man with mini eyebrows he’s quite expressive. I wonder if you can get Time Lord art on Etsy.
Friend: Italics font.
Me: Unnecessary capitalization.
Friend: Dalek song!
Me: Pew pew pew!
Friend: I need a theme song like this.
Me: I shall write you one.
Me: Also the Time Lords dress like Norwegians.
Friend: “A Balrog of Morgoth.”
Me: I thought you didn’t like guns, Hurt Doctor. (Kind of sounds like Hurt Locker.) Are you Balrog?
Friend: Those gun shots are impossible.
Me: Decapitated Dalek. Unnecessary explosion. A madman with a BOX!
Friend: A Dalek eye stalk doesn’t need to fall when it dies. Unless you are to tell me the Cthulhu inside the Dalek is holding the eye stocks using its muscles.
Me: That’s what I’m telling you.
Friend: Two unnecessary security lasers pointing to the ground.
Me: “The Moment is gone!” It’s lines like these that make non-Whovians judge us. Sherlock could figure out who the War Doctor is by his footprints.
Friend: Why would Time Lords have legends? Do they not keep records?
Me: They got lazy.
Me: Or their record keeper was super bad at his job.
Friend: Jerk record keeper starts getting creative.
Me: He writes haikus and anagrams.
Friend: Nice shin covers War Doc.
Me: He’s come from a football match. Random shelter! With a pretty bad wolf.
Friend: Time Lord art on the side of the moment. Pretty Lady.
Friend: Glad to know her acting improved.
Me: She’s good as crazy.
Friend: Trashy nylons. Skank! I don’t remember Bad Wolf wearing that!
Me: Deleted scene.
Friend: Leather wearing out on War Doc’s jacket.
Me: Patchy beard. WAIT! I thought the doctors were clean-shaven.
Friend: Dust fragments in the air.
Me: Sherlock says it in “The Empty Hearse.” HE SAYS IT. I trusted him.
Friend: Oh Watson. So gullible.
Me: Although, this isn’t the Doctor. “But not in the name of the Doctor.” – angry Matt Smith. Fez! The beauty of a fez is it’s never what you expect, Billie.
Friend: The sound of the tunnel is the same as the Super Mario Bros live action movie’s iridium. Terrible. Horrible. Wretched painting.
Me: Oh, David. What a pretty oil painting you make.
Friend: He posed for that painting.
Me: Of course he did. In his own words, he’s “an old whore, [he’ll] turn up for anything.”
Friend: David Tennant majorly aged. Lying down in a corset is not easy.
Me: Elizabeth is up to the challenge. I wonder if he peed himself with excitement putting on that suit again.
Friend: Hair is not as good.
Me: It goes ding! His hair that is.
Friend: “I’m going to be king.”
Me: Wait for it … rabbit.
Friend: This is not how I pictured the Faerie Queene. Leaps over a branch just because.
Me: He’s like a deer. Doctor, don’t use your faulty equipment.
Friend: The machine does what it’s supposed to! It goes ding.
Me: Okay. Fair enough.Ten is so passionate. Eleven is so cute. Excited about a job. And acronyms.
Friend: Ten is the emotional one.
Me: Fez! “Someday you could just walk past a fez.”
Friend: “Never going to happen.”
Me: *squeals of nerdy excitement* Sonic screwdriver comparisons. Sand shoes.
Friend: “What are you doing here? I’m busy.”
Me: “I’m not judging you.”
Friend: They need to do a whole season of Ten and Eleven.
Me: Ohmygash YES. Reversing the polarity.
Friend: Can just 90% of the characters be the Doctor?
Me: “His companions?” Look at their cute faces.
Friend: “Even that one?”
Me: Poor Eleven. Water pistols! Ten’s used one. And won. And Donna loved him for it. “Assemble a cabinet at them??”
Friend: “What are you going to do assemble a cabinet at them?”
Me: “I’ve no idea where he gets that from.”
Friend: “Will there be Wi-Fi?”
Me: “Sand shoes and granddad.”
Friend: There’s too much good to quote.
Friend: They didn’t just smash the statues. They triturated them. Don’t use the lift in the event of an emergency.
Me: I wonder if she’s ever dropped the end of that scarf in the toilet.
Friend: The Doctor isn’t a personal saviour. He lets people die all the time. It’s only the companions who are truly safe.
Me: Hey! Let her hold onto that hope.
Friend: False hope.
Me: Doesn’t mean it’s not helpful.
Friend: Does Atkins never go home?
Friend: Surely his wife would tell him he’s had this job for a decade. Also, do they have to train him every day?
Me: Who says he’s married? And maybe his cat lies to him, too.
Friend: Like Drew Wu?
Friend: Why does she need a photo? Why not just text it?
Me: Because … of … reasons. ZYGON! Aww Clara. Billie looks at Ten. Feels! Such an awkward vibe in that room.
Friend: That’s what my hair looks like when I wake up. Frizzy and everywhere.
Me: I wish my hair was like Clara’s. Spoilers.
Friend: Get the eff away, Pond Scum. If that stone was that malleable the building would have crumbled centuries ago.
Me: Just that one bit is malleable.
Friend: Audio change. Voice over.
Me: I wonder what I’d be like with my past and future self. Probably as irritated. “Dickey bow”??
Friend: That little button is quite formidable. It just knows.
Me: “Three of you in one room and none of you tried the door!”
Friend: Is it illegal to look through the blasted picture of the queen’s face?
Me: Umm yes. Just like it’s illegal to burn a Gryffindor scarf. (Simon Pegg joke.) Oh, Ten. Shush.
Friend: His Elizabeth is clearly the Zygon.
Me: Stop insulting your wife. She likes eyebrow emphasis. Clara loves a wedding.
Friend: I don’t think you can be witness to your own wedding.
Me: That’s why Clara is there. “Back to the future.”
Friend: “I love the round things.” They aren’t round in Eleven’s. Hexagons!
Me: I want more of Ten and Eleven. “You redecorated! I don’t like it.” River’s shoes.
Friend: No one cares about Pond’s galoshes.
Me: They’re pumps!
Friend: Time Lord art.
Friend: What the eff is he wearing?
Me: Who? Hurt?
Friend: Sandshoes, corded jacket, and T-shirt? With a white lab coat.
Me: Oh. Is … that a problem?
Friend: What dress code is he abiding to? Shlep’s?
Friend: I effing hate slow mo.
Me: I walk in slow mo to make my life more exciting. Seriously more of Ten and Eleven, please.
Friend: Yes. The memory device erases their whole lives? Harsh.
Me: Poor Atkins.
Friend: No wonder the Doctor doesn’t remember this.
Me: Clara pulls a Molly here. Noticing how the War Doctor looks when he thinks no one is looking.
Friend: Clara is so pretty.
Me: So pretty. Does the Moment’s clothes just get more and more trashed?
Friend: Does the Moment’s clothes get more and more ripped as the episode goes on?
Me: Love a big red button. I should change my ring tone to the TARDIS noise. Or my morning alarm. I’d wake up so excited.
Friend: That’s not true. Daleks don’t feel hope from the TARDIS.
Me: They did that one time. “Asylum of the Daleks.”
Friend: Giant red button looks like a fake ruby.
Me: That’s not what a real ruby looks like?? Crap. I’ve been had.
Friend: Time to give up cat burglary.
Me: Ah well. I had a good run. Gallifrey did NOT have a shortage of babies. Baby boom … awkward phrasing …
Friend: Well, that’s an insult to Ten.
Me: Single tear of manliness. He’s HER Doctor.
Friend: He’s never been a doctor. He’s been the Doctor. But not a doctor.
Me: Yes he has. He’s got a degree in medicine and cheese-making.
Friend: It’s not what he “always does.”
Me: You don’t know. This show is a fraction of his life. Ten saying “Bad Wolf” has too many feels.
Friend: Eleven doesn’t even care about Bad Wolf. So tragic.
Me: Also, this is the same way he defeated the angels in “Blink.” Let them destroy each other. “You would have hope!” Eeeeee!
Friend: Nerd moment.
Me: CAPALDI EYES!!!
Friend: Because they didn’t know his clothes. Allons-y!
Me: His fancy black outfit with red lining. Tea. How British.
Friend: Time Lords seriously only have one planet? I’d imagine their race has solar systems.
Me: Maybe they’re home bodies. I love Clara.
Friend: Love how China is always so feminine.
Me: Hashtag excited about August.
Friend: Takes the wrong TARDIS. Ruins the universe.
Me: Regeneration! Alternate ending. Aww the ears. One can hope, Hurt.
Friend: I wish Nine had joined in.
Me: I know. Me too.
Friend: Don’t say it.
Me: “I don’t wanna go.” – ALL THE BLOODY FEELS.
Friend: All the feels. We spend wayyyyy too much time together.
Me: Yeah we do.
Friend: Someone took their tea cup!
Me: “The Great Curator.” I think Ten. He’s got those TARDIS pockets.
Friend: Stupid fan service.
Me: Aww I like it.
Friend: Hexagons again.
Me: I should watch Tom Baker’s.
Friend: You go down that road you are going to be sucked into 27 seasons.
Me: Just his … what … five? I wonder if David was jealous of Matt’s tête-à-tête.
Friend: Most likely. Ass doubles.
Me: Good way to end the commentary – “Ass doubles.” OoooooweeeeeeooooooooOOOOOOOoooooooo.
Friend: That was fantastic!
Friend: Geronimo! #Nerdisms