That one time my friend and I decided to watch, no, wait, let me rephrase.
That one time my friend decided to make me watch Batman and Robin, one of the weirdest and most embarrassing Batman things to ever happen. (Which, coming from a Batman novice like me, is easily not to be trusted.)
So we watched it and commentated our watching of it to our friend who lives a number of miles away who I’ve never met. Poor guy didn’t quite understand what was happening because when we get commentating, we tend not to stop for anything.
Oh yeah and the reason I called him “DWF” is because he’s our Doctor Who friend who shares an affinity for a certain Gallifreyan Time Lord who runs around the universe.
Me: So we’re going watching some kind of Batman thing? I think I saw his butt. I thought it was a lady butt. Does he do his own eye makeup? That guy from The Bachelor! Who ruined a proposal to Renee Zellweger by saying “shit or get off the pot.” George Clooney, you stud.
Friend: Batman and Robin, FYI.
Me: Alfred has food poisoning. Clooney has a good chin. Which is all Batman is.
Me: My brother got an ice man toy from McD’s when we were kids. This movie is embarrassing. Is he a frost giant of Jotunheim?
Friend: Batman riding a dinosaur.
Me: There’s zero set up to this movie. In medias res style. That vase jumped up. Things fly and fall weirdly in this. Evil hockey team? Dafuq. “Hockey team from hell.” Got it. Parkour before parkour was parkour? Did they just click their heels and have ice skates? Did Alfred invent heelies? Are they Dorothy? What relevance does hockey have to the plot? The dialogue is embarrassing. It’s not dialogue. It’s a collection of one-liners. Was that dinosaur alive? Did it just cry after its head fell off? Is this Mighty Ducks 4? Are the villains gonna be defeated by a ragtag team of kids?
Friend: George Clooney in his finest role.
Me: Ice rocket?
Friend: Mr. Freeze conveniently has an escape pod. Robin is stronger than the inertia from a rocket.
Me: This is the worst suit. Zero mobility. It’s like William’s armor at the beginning of A Knight’s Tale. Seriously just a bunch of one-liners. OHMYGASH.
Friend: Surf’s up.
Me: Are they surfing through the air?? Does he have butterfly wings??
Friend: Diamond knocked from Mr. Freeze’s hands stops falling at the universal constant of gravity.
Friend: Ice is not a soft landing. Also, ice requires water. Is that a squirt gun, too? Ten minutes into the movie and there’s already a twenty or so puns.
Me: I feel like this ultimatum scene should happen a lot later. Is that why DWF is the way he is? Because of this?
Friend: Batman carries frozen Robin as if he weighs nothing. Hello, Uma.
Me: Crazy snake lady. Exposition through dictation.
Friend: Gilgamesh wing? As in the epic of Gilgamesh. Mad scientist cliché.
Me: Mexican wrestling mask. People from different countries cliché.
Friend: Giant vat labelled “venom” cliché.
Me: Is that Captain America? Tom Hardy was better. I can say that because I’ve seen it now.
Me: Stanley Tucci was a better scientist. The Tooch is a better everything. She’s so bad.
Friend: Before he was a whispering verbose wimp.
Me: “Maniacal scheme for world domination” cliché.
Friend: DWF, you need to do your hair like Bane’s creator. Pushes shelf on her cliché.
Me: He kills her by messing up his laboratory?
Friend: Maniac club. Robin’s towel needs to match his suit.
Me: The lighting is painful. Like I’m in a laser tag arena. Inside a lava lamp. Rejected from the ’90s.
Friend: Alfred dying. No one notices.
Me: Is Alfred on the verge of death?
Friend: Robin acting like a 14 year old.
Me: Alfred has Harry Potter glasses. We’re all okay with Alfred saying “Master Dick”?
Friend: Alfred hinting to his inevitable death. Bruce in denial. Poison Ivy knowing exactly the chemical properties of her new form. Talk about #singleproblemsforever. Kiss of death.
DWF: Oh man, this movie is an embarrassment.
Friend: Giant snow cone place. No one expects it to be Mr. Freeze’s lair. Nice.
Me: Clooney is so handsome.
Friend: Does Mr. Freeze pick his henchmen based on their names or does he just rename them?
Me: I vote the latter.
DWF: Yeah. Same.
Friend: Apparently the ice cream business isn’t going so well for Mr. Freeze.
Me: Like Kristoff’s ice business.
Friend: School girl outfit.
DWF: The plot about his wife was totally taken from BTAS.
Me: As IF!
Friend: Clearly this movie was not targeted at teenage boys.
DWF: Are you guys talking out loud or fully through messages?
Me: Mostly messages. Her hair is better in this than Clueless.
DWF: What you don’t believe me about the plot being taken from BTAS, Amy?
Friend: Alfred Pennyworth? As in he’s a butler because he’s not rich. Barely worth a penny.
DWF: Oh yeah, Alicia Silverstone was in this.
Friend: Robin has a creepy smile.
Me: Back to A Smirk?
DWF: Batman: The Animated Series. Keep up.
Me: My bad. She tucks in her uncle? There’s a drag queen joke in there.
Friend: Old-school computer application.
Me: Did she go tanning since we last saw her?
DWF: What ever happened to Alicia? I think this movie kind of tanked her career.
Me: Leather pants cliché.
Friend: She’s no longer 17.
Me: How did George survive this movie?
Friend: Luxury ain’t your style, eh skank?
Me: Oh right. He’s handsome.
DWF: Also Chris O’Donnell, the actor who plays Robin, finally came out of hiatus to star in NCIS: Los Angeles.
Me: Worth it!
DWF: Yeah I suppose…
Friend: Also, completely unnecessary climbing down from bed sheet rope. The house is way too big to need to sneak out.
Friend: I want Brucey’s girlfriend’s jacket.
Me: Elle Macpherson?? Is that Rita Skeeter?
Friend: “Marriage.. marriage… Uhh.. marriage.” “Fascist bulldog.” Uses recycled paper.
Me: Clooney is short.
Friend: Umm that invite has the moon from Majora’s Mask. Uma keeps monologuing her plans… Two meters from Batman.
Me: Freeze likes pity parties.
Me: Lion King themed party? Sexy Lion King?
DWF: Oh this gets good… Dumb but good
Friend: Did Mr. Freeze have a videographer follow him and his wife around or did they set up a camera for everything?
Me: That guy is familiar. Mr. Leopard Jacket. Who gets the gorilla? Are they bidding on the sexy gorilla?
Friend: Sexy monkey dance. Everyone stops.
Me: Weird striptease.
Friend: It’s not like she got control of the sound system.
DWF: The credit cards come out yet?
Friend: No! Don’t give spoilers! Bane is right beside her.
DWF: Oops. Whatever.
Me: Is Bane a gorilla too?
DWF: Didn’t even reveal anything.
Me: Oiled men on standby.
Friend: If I pour chemicals on my hair, will it turn that colour?
Me: Yes. Let’s do it. She’s sewing the oats? What did that poison do to her?
Friend: The geriatric bat.
Me: Her garden needs tending?!
Me: She does not understand sexy. This is prostitution. Credit card.
Friend: “Good thru: forever.” Just like Batman.
Me: His catchphrase is “chill”? Must he say it five times in a row? I wonder if they’re all embarrassed they were in this.
Friend: “Vine lady”: best villain name.
Me: She’s got ivy for eyebrows. I’m scared to know what’s in her garden.
Me: Sorry. Didn’t Freeze already break that door?
Friend: Saxophone seduction. Just like the greased man in Lost Boys.
Me: A lot of random statues of dudes. Robin is too heroic for a bike helmet?
Friend: Yup. Batman will show him who’s boss.
Me: Robin is sooo mad.
Friend: Robin Rage. Perfect arm lowering. Robin, you can’t use the circus as a metaphor for real life.
Me: It’s the only metaphor he knows. Rule one of teams: don’t let the lady break you up.
Friend: Batman in a hoodie.
Me: Alfred likes silk robes. Hooded bat. Is that a kind of bat? Handsome bat. Is that a kind of bat? Answer: Yes. Example: George.
Friend: Stop thinking about dead parents.
Me: Batman needs to move on from his dead parents. Robin needs to move on from the circus. Heeyah!
Friend: “Heyaa.” Buffy wannabe.
Me: Each new scene she has another layer of shitty makeup.
Friend: Robin is so turned on. Pissed. But turned on.
Me: Two sides of the same coin.
DWF: Oh ho-ho! Two-face philosophy there.
Me: Oh right! I mean… I meant that.
Friend: The Arkham asylum has way too many weird cells. It’s like the theme rooms in the hotel at West Ed.
DWF: You guys should watch Forever.
Friend: Cousin voted that one. But we decided this one was more classic.
Me: Correction: she decided. I did not.
Friend: Mr. Freeze instantly heats up after two steps out of the light dusting of cold.
Me: Striped prisoner outfit cliché.
DWF: And experience Val as Batman.
Friend: Glow in the dark gang.
Me: So weird. I hate neon ’90s.
DWF: “Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb” – Adam West as Batman.
Me: Cartoonish sound effects.
Me: – Peter Quill aka Starlord
Friend: Flower just sighed.
Me: She’s proposing to Bruce?
Friend: Bruce’s love story. No one even remembers.
DWF: Also I was the only one out of my friends who got that reference at the theatre, because, you know, artists for parents.
Me: They didn’t know Pollock? Everyone knows Pollock.
Friend: I don’t.
DWF: Nope. If you did then that quote becomes pretty gross.
Me: We did Pollock paintings in sixth grade.
DWF: Surprisingly many people don’t. Just not as cultured as us I suppose.
Friend: Saxophone seduction again.
Me: Weird rave culture reminds me of that awful zombie movie. The Lost Boys.
Friend: Does every gang in Gotham have to dress alike?
Me: I guess not. Poor plebs.
DWF: Also directed by Joel Schumacher. Vampire. I know even though I haven’t seen it.
Me: Oh yeah. Those. Potayto potahto.
Friend: Random midget.
Me: I missed the midget!
Friend: Sparks everywhere. This is like Mario Kart. Someone drop a banana peel!
Me: This is like the Scare Games in Monsters University.
Me: This movie is going to give me a headache.
Friend: Hair in his helmet. Like Roman helm. Rory?
DWF: Rory, is that you?
Me: Rory is better than this.
Friend: People don’t slide like that.
Me: How do they keep sliding? This is like the end of Thor. Bonding over dead parents?
Friend: Yeah. Alfred loves being the only servant in this century.
Me: Ice sculptures are his hobby?
DWF: Live action Batman favourite and go.
Friend: Apparently having a body temperature of zero means you inherit amazing carving skills.
DWF: Adam, Michael, Val, George, or Christian?
Friend: Patch eye guard.
Me: Not a great guard.
Friend: Adam West… Duh.
DWF: Thought so.
Friend: She paints her nail polish wrong. It’s not supposed to go on the gloves.
Me: She’s fancy, okay?
DWF: Christian for me, obviously. Amy?
Friend: “A laundry service that delivers, wow.” Okay Ivy, enough with the phallic talk.
Me: I can’t make an educated decision.
DWF: Okay, out of the ones you have seen.
Me: It’s this and Christian.
DWF: You’re gonna pick Clooney.
Me: So Christian. Clooney is handsome. But he’s cursed with a horrible movie. Bale is handsome and then he became a douche. Or always was one. So… less handsome.
Friend: Ivy dies from the jump. Alfred is like a discount Q.
Me: Do other Batman suits have nipples? Or just George’s?
Friend: Did he dress his wife in that gown? Not what she would be wearing in the hospital.
Friend: Freeze has a giant “heat” lever.
Me: Like Jaws with that giant magnet.
Friend: Umm Freeze’s minions could handle the cold. Why can’t cops?
DWF: Val had nipples.
Me: Because their “lungs are freezing”! Uma just talked about his nerps
Friend: “There’s something about an anatomically correct rubber suit.” She designed her own action figures? That’s not going to save nature.
Me: JK lungs aren’t freezing. But it’s part of her five year plan. And her dream board. And bucket list.
Friend: How many times is she going to blow that stuff in his face?
Me: How long is the effect for? Is that ice cream that he fell into?
Friend: Either it’s short-lived, which we know it’s not. Or she OCD.
Me: Pistachio flavor? Gary Oldman was a better commissioner.
Friend: Is Ivy going to exterminate all women? Or just those interested in Freeze?
Friend: That tear is not how ice works.
Me: Her hair keeps getting worse.
DWF: BAD WOLF! : Red head edition.
Me: But with cones.
Friend: Whoa whoa. Bad Wolf was not bad hair.
Me: Bad wolf was cool.
Friend: It was sexy.
Me: Adam and Evil?
DWF: Cones aren’t?
Me: ADAM AND EVIL?
DWF: This movie is horrendous.
Me: That’s just stage one?
Friend: Ironic that Freeze’s wife has the same thing as Alfred.
Me: Or coincidental.
Friend: Ugh Robin. Get over puberty.
Me: Robin needs to get some. Go for Alfred’s niece!
Friend: He’s not Peter (from Fringe).
Me: You have similar interests. You could take cross country bike trips together.
Me: You could talk about your dead families by firelight. It’s perfect.
DWF: Ivy or rather a version of her is supposed to be in Gotham.
Friend: You can’t blow the sexy powder and then try to sneak out. Call attention to yourself or don’t.
Me: How many passwords will she type and how does she type so slowly?
Friend: Do actors wear glasses because they need them to read or because they think the characters would need them?
Friend: Worst passwords ever. All lower case, no numbers or other characters. This movie is called “Memories of Alfred.”
Me: Password to Alfred’s CD? Let’s try “Alfred”!
Friend: A capital!
Me: Peg is his password? It’s three letters!
Friend: Why does Alfred pass on all the Batman secrets?
Me: It’s written beside his computer!
Friend: Are those really his to pass on?
Me: Because he loves him.
Friend: How does she get the Robin signal red?
Friend: When Wayne calls Robin Dick, it doesn’t sound like he’s referring to his name.
Me: Does he have to say bomb every time he puts down a bomb? He’d be an annoying table setter. Spoon. Spoon. Spoon. Spoon. Fork. Fork. Fork. Fork. Naaaapkin. Shut up Bane!
Friend: Unnecessary lasers.
Me: She just runs through them.
Friend: “I programmed my brain algorithms into this computer.”
Me: Lady crotch! Lady butt! Lady boobs!
Friend: Umm… How does no one know Alfred is the greatest computer programmer in the past and present?
Me: Most getting dressed montages are less… out there.
Me: He’s like the German in Captain America.
Friend: She deflowered.
Me: I don’t get it.
Me: If you had a drink every time they make a pun you’d die of alcohol poisoning. Robin has lip gloss. Oh, rubber lips?
Friend: Umm… He wears lip protection.
Me: Did Wayne Enterprises have a corner on the rubber market?
Friend: Batgirl doesn’t get suit nipples too?
Me: Girl fighting with her hair down cliché. Just once I want to see a female super hero in flats tie her hair up. Like the Baudellaire girl.
Friend: Yes! Violet.
Me: In Series of Unfortunate Events.
Friend: Never mind. Her boobs are conical.
Me: They’re giant nipples?
Friend: Alfred knows how to design a suit.
Me: For his NIECE.
Friend: I would find it weird if my uncle could size me up.
Me: Uhh yeah!
DWF: Creepy uncle.
Me: There’s always a creepy uncle. Robin gets a Florida swamp mobile. For ice town. That shield was not very big. It was depending on just being shot right there.
Friend: Why can’t they carpool?
Me: Because they really wanna piss off Ivy.
Friend: I think Clooney’s boobs are bigger than hers. Does Bruce design structures to make them easier for Batman to scale?
Me: Yeah, I hope so. “I’m gonna make an observatory in the hands of a giant dude. Easy to climb.”
Friend: Why does Batgirl know so much about freezing Gotham? #insidejob. In the ‘90s, actors didn’t know how to type.
Me: She could’ve saved them both earlier. Kick to the chest cliché. Freeze looks like his teeth are currently being whitened.
Friend: Batman and Mr. Freeze have some great vertical on their kicks.
Me: They practiced. Another friggin’ pun. UV rays will save us! It’s just like tanning!
Friend: Umm… When they did this in Goldeneye, it boiled everything to death.
Me: Tan, kids! It’s good for you!
Friend: Drops a telescope on Gotham. No big deal.
Me: It’s a good thing the screen is the only thing that broke on those computers.
Friend: Oh, so Batgirl had purpose other than bat butt and bat boobs.
Me: Yeah, blonde hair and unexplained knowledge of computers. Especially when she typed passwords at 4 wpm. Button button, wire wire, fixed!
Friend: Yeah… That’s how to fix all satellites.
Me: Of course.
Friend: Where was that camera located? He was strapped to the ceiling in the corner.
Me: A nerp. And Freeze should be dead by now.
Friend: Is the cure glowing blue or did he add that?
Me: Cure on dying person cliché. All magic. Comes at a price.
Friend: Happens to have an injection slot on the IV perfect for the freeze tube.
Me: Ivy looks like Bellatrix Lestrange.
Friend: Cousins. They let prisoners kill each other.
Me: Winter has come cliché. Hoodie Batman relates to the kids more than robe Batman.
Friend: Called him Dick again. Bruce wants to be alone. House fills with horny teenagers.
Me: They move into the guest house. That movie sucked so much.
Friend: You cannot run in heels like that without permanent long term damage.
Me: Shortened Achilles heels. It’s a thing.
Friend: Arny got in the credits before Clooney. Clooney def gave up acting halfway through the movie.
Me: Clooney gave up acting this role when he got on set.