Why Home Alone is infuriating as an adult

I’d like to preface this by saying that Home Alone is a classic, even though it’s horrifying that Kevin, a small child, basically kills two grown men multiple times before they threaten to physically torture him.

Home Alone

  1. First of all, who let Joe Pesci the fake cop into that house without checking his badge? Did he let himself in? Did no one question that?
  2. Who forces an 8 year old to pack his own bag? I can barely do that as a 20-something. My mom never would have trusted me with that responsibility at that age – and rightly so.
  3. Why would they want their son to sleep in the same bed as a known bedwetter? Wouldn’t Fuller’s parents have brought a cot or some vinyl bed sheets or something? Why are they so inept?
  4. I know relatives like Uncle Frank exist, but seriously no one is telling him to not be such a cheapskate? He even wants his wife to steal crystal salt and pepper shakers on the plane.home alone uncle frank
  5. I’m fairly certain the main villain of this entire movie is Kevin’s father. He doesn’t know how to pay a pizza guy and lets him just stand there like an idiot. He mops up milk-soaked airplane tickets with a bunch of napkins and throws out a bundle without checking if he’s throwing out tickets. He puts passports and tickets in the microwave to dry them. He’s definitely what the French call les incompétents. 
  6. They couldn’t wait two seconds for that French woman to be finished her phone call? This is why Americans have a bad name.
  7. Old Man Marley is a neighbour and a grandfather. He knows what’s up. He knows that they’re all on vacation. Which means he knows that Kevin is home alone. Which means he could step in and be an adult or call the authorities or something.
  8. There is no way a police department would be this apathetic about an abandoned and neglected child.
  9. I’m also fairly certain a police officer wouldn’t run away from a car he’s pulled over while writing them a ticket to chase an 8 year old because some punk teen yelled out, “SHOPLIFTER!”
  10. It seems odd to me that a nice house’s kitchen sink wouldn’t have plugs. Why does Marv need to use napkins or whatever to plug the drain? I don’t live in a ritzy house like on Burglary Lane, but I have plugs in my sinks.
  11. Why is this pizza delivery guy so bad at driving? You have one job, dude. I’m surprised he hasn’t been fired because of all the inevitable complaints. Also wouldn’t he call the cops after being threatened and shot at during a delivery? Then the cops would go to the house and find Kevin and everything would be fine. Ugh, this movie!
  12. I’m pretty sure most of Kevin’s groceries were not located on the bottom three shelves. He’s a short kid. No way he could reach for the Tropicana juice. Or have the strength to carry milk, laundry detergent and a bunch of other crap all the way home. I can barely carry that much from the store to my car.
  13. Why is their furnace sentient?
  14. If Kevin’s mother is catching a ride with the polka people, can’t she just rent her own car and drive to Chicago? She’s loaded. She could rent her own giant van and drive there. Why didn’t she think of that? Why did never think of that?home alone john candy
  15. Would this Santa Claus not have any kind of protocol in place for contacting authorities if a child in distress tells him something like, oh I don’t know, my entire family is missing and I’d like them back?
  16. The church clock rings eight times, which gives Kevin less than an hour to get all of this stuff in place before Tweedledum and Tweedledee show up. Impossible.
  17. And it is furthermore impossible that Marv and Harry don’t swear their faces off every time they get hurt.
  18. How did Kevin clean everything up before his family got home? Specifically all that tar crap on the basement stairs.
  19. And then the music plays at the end and Old Man Marley is hugging his granddaughter and I’M NOT CRYING, YOU ARE!

old man marley

 

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