Movie pitch: Mean Girls starring Saruman

Last weekend my friends and I were watching Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, after a double-feature of Easy A and Robin Hood: Men in Tights – natch. I’m not usually able to stay awake past midnight because I’m basically Cinderella’s pumpkin carriage and things go awry if I push it. Thankfully, my multiple viewings of Men in Tights allowed me to sleep through most of it in preparation for the extended edition of Fellowship, which we started at 11 p.m.

The next morning this party continued with Two Towers watched while eating waffles and bacon (basically it was a fantastic weekend), and a hilarious misunderstanding took place amidst all this Tolkien revelry.

Saruman was standing in his weird gothic tower and I mentioned that it’s no wonder he turned evil, because his decor style is rather evil, similar to Regina’s.

My friend then piped up. “Regina George?”

“No,” I explained. “Regina from Once Upon a Time.” And then we laughed and laughed.

But, really, Saruman as Regina George works really well.


Just think: As he has to deal with all of Gandalf’s white wizard copycatting, he probably, at some point or another, said, “I, like, invented him.”

And when they gather together in The Hobbit and Gandalf is trying to explain to Saruman the pending evil of the Necromancer, how much do you hope that when they first saw each other, Saruman looked at Gandalf and said, “Oh my god, I love your staff. Where did you get it?” And then later leaned over to Galadriel and was all, “That is the ugliest effing staff I’ve ever seen.”

And then when Gandalf is talking to Saruman in Isengard, and somehow they can hear each other (even though Saruman is at the top of a very, very, very tall tower – something that is never explained, much like how the Avengers all talk to each other when no one is wearing visible earpieces), part of me really hopes the interaction would’ve gone like this:

Gandalf: Wait, Saruman, I didn’t mean for this to happen!

Saruman: To find out that everyone hates me? I don’t care!

Gandalf: Wait, Saruman, just listen!

Saruman: No! Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you’re a Hobbit-loving journey freak that’s a less magic version of me! Yeah. So don’t try to act so innocent! You can take that fake apology and shove it right up your hairy

[Saruman is stabbed and falls from his tower and is then impaled.]

And even going back to that moment when Saruman realizes he’s been screwed over by Sauron. How much do you wish he just said, “I gave him everything! I was half a white wizard when I met him!”

Ah, the things I find funny.


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