Confession: I would not do well in an apocalypse

I wish I could say that this is true for most people. That most people, if a natural disaster or some end-of-the-world calamity hit, would flounder. But I know several people with actual skills.

Carpentry skills, fire-building skills, survival-without-the-internet skills.

I have none of those skills.

The power goes out and all I can think to do is go to bed.

My Wi-Fi flickers and I scream out as if I’m in pain, knowing all too well the truth of Mindy’s wisdom:

mindy can't be alone

I do know where a flashlight is, but I’m pretty sure I don’t have spare batteries. If a flood were to happen, I would have no idea where to even get sandbags. Do you buy burlap sacks at a craft store? Off Etsy? Should I be stocking up on burlap goods? I just recently finished off my last and only can of soup. But my stove is electric, so cooking without power is impossible anyway.

Once there was a bit of snow, which, where I’m from, is chaos, and I couldn’t even pull in my driveway. Instead of getting out and digging a path for myself, I was prepared to just park it halfway in the cul-de-sac and march inside. That is until my neighbour and his son offered to push my car off the road – probably more for their own sake than mine since they didn’t want my eyesore of a car to be clogging our wee road.

One time during a power outage, I was so bored that I grabbed my charged iPod and memorized the lyrics to The Lonely Island’s “YOLO” featuring Adam Levine. I already know what song I’d memorize next if I’m stuck in a power outage again – “Alphabet Aerobics,” since I really just want to be Harry Potter.

Sometimes it’s kind of freeing knowing that if you were ever in a disaster movie, you’d be one of the first ones to go. Or you’d just be found days later singing the same song on your old, undying iPod, rocking back and forth in the corner of your basement suite, having missed all of the Hunger Games action.


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